My Troubles With Women by Robert Crumb

Crumb didn’t have any troubles with women. He was simply an awkward kid in the Eisenhower era, bullied by a macho-shithead father and neglected by a weak mother. It was an era when bookish, artistic kids were ridiculed, and football players were idolized (not much has changed, has it?) by the girls. Artistic types got beaten up, and Goth culture was another 40 years away. If Crumb were born in 1984, I bet he would’ve had his nose, lips and eyebrows pierced by the time he was a sophomore!

Crumb has always portrayed himself as a wussy perverted goofball, but look at what he’s accomplished: he created some wonderful comic characters, illustrated a classic rock album cover, drew a great comic about Franz Kafka (that literature professors use in their courses) and paid his bills with his art. How many people can brag about that? Sure, he never got the girls back in high school, but what became of them by the time this comic was published in the 1980’s? As for they jocks who bullied him and his brother, they probably ended up working for low pay in a steel mill.

My own troubles with women weren’t much different. I was an awkward kid, and had no success in dating. But so what? The girl I had a crush on had a nose bigger than mine (and she smelled), and when I saw her again 10 years later, her nose was thin and crooked thanks to a botched nose job. At least she didn’t stink. All I could think of was “jeez, is this the girl I used to fantasize about?”

Let’s face it folks, high school is lousy. You have the constant pressure, stupid cliques, social competitiveness, and bullies (usually the rich kids, because their parents always buy them out of trouble) and everyone’s telling you what to do. That’s why I never believed Michael Jackson’s crap when he said “I never got to have a childhood.”

Being a kid stinks, Jacko. You didn’t miss anything.